How often do you hear an internal voice telling you “You’re stupid and lazy,” “Look at how fat you’re getting!” or “If you don’t do this perfectly, everyone will see you’re a fraud”? We all have an inner critic. It’s nearly impossible to grow up in our society without developing this critical voice, which is shaped by parents, teachers, peers, the media, and our own conclusions.
When you feel hopeless, ashamed, inadequate, or just plain terrible about yourself, it’s often due to the inner critic’s attacks. This critic operates in various ways, but it typically bombards you with negative messages about your self-worth. Although this voice may sound authoritative, it’s not as self-assured as it sounds; it is driven by fear of what might happen if it doesn’t fulfill its role.
Many inner critics are actually young parts of yourself that took on the role of protecting you during your childhood. You may have been raised in an environment where you faced judgment, harm, or rejection. When you experienced criticism or rejection from the important people in our life, you likely concluded that you were being rejected because you were unworthy, unlovable, unattractive… and so on. These beliefs can be deeply painful! Consequently, this younger part of you felt compelled to take action to safeguard you. It believed that the only way to shield you was through self-judgment, aiming to create a “self” that would be accepted and loved. For instance, if that part could get you to stop putting on weight by attacking you for indulging in another cookie and calling you fat, it might just be able to protect you from all the hurtful, disapproving remarks and experiences of rejection!
So, how do we get rid of the inner critic? We don’t! It’s important to remember that no part of us is inherently “bad.” Once we recognise the inner critic’s underlying intentions, we can connect with it and negotiate. Often, the inner critic employs an ineffective and harmful strategy to achieve its goals, but the goals themselves are quite valid. When the inner critic learns that there’s a loving adult (your connected, curious, and compassionate self!) who can help heal the pain, shame, and fear from your past, it usually becomes more willing to ease its harshness and may even be ready to upgrade its role to something more constructive.
Alongside befriending the inner critic, we can work on awakening our inner coach. This inner coach serves as the wise and supportive parent you may have always desired to have in your life. It provides guidance, nurtures you, and encourages loving actions aligned with your values. It can also set boundaries with the inner critic.
The next time you hear the inner critic’s harsh voice, try calling upon your inner coach and address the critic in a firm yet kind manner: “I understand you want to __________ (protect me, prevent rejection, etc.), but your method isn’t working and isn’t helpful.”
Additionally, we align ourselves with our true self and our inherent worth, which is not determined by our appearance, performance, or intelligence (if you heard a voice questioning your intrinsic worth just now, that was the inner critic. Don’t worry, you’re not alone! The inner critic will continue its behavior until your loving adult steps in to relieve it of its burden).
If you’d like support in working with your inner critic, I would be happy to help you create a life where you can walk taller and feel increasingly self-confident, capable, lovable, and good about yourself.
