I grew up in a house with a cellar. It was a dark, windowless room where my dad kept his collection of tools and a workbench, while my mum stored the garden’s bounty in jars of preserves and jams. Every now and then, I was sent down to fetch something for the next meal—maybe some pickles or a jar of honey. During the day, this wasn’t an issue. There was a set of stairs leading down into a connecting corridor, and natural light helped me find the cellar door at the end of the corridor without needing to turn on any lights. But in the evening, it was a different story.
The dim light of a single bulb made the corridor feel like an underground tunnel. There were spiderwebs, and the gravel underfoot crunched with every step. My imagination (especially when it came to scary things) would run wild, and soon I was convinced that monsters, ghosts, or other ill-intentioned creatures were lurking, waiting for a chance to harm me. I remember how my body would stiffen, my heartbeat would race, and my breath would become shallow. I was afraid! The only way I could calm myself was to rush to the cellar door, flick on the light as quickly as possible, and reassure myself that there was “nothing there” to hurt me. But without any other tools or strategies to help me, the fear would return almost immediately.
So, my go-to coping strategy became avoidance. To avoid facing my fears, I’d do anything to keep from having to go down to the cellar.
This story illustrates how many of us handle our emotions. If we haven’t been taught how to manage difficult feelings, we often create strategies to avoid them. Unfortunately, these emotions don’t simply disappear. They get pushed down into our metaphorical "cellar," where they only grow stronger. The saying “What you resist, persists” couldn’t be more true.
Some common ways we avoid our emotions include:
Staying in our heads: Using our intellect to think about our feelings, analysing them, and trying to “fix” them with our minds.
Numbing our emotions: Turning to addictions or distractions to suppress how we feel.
Self-judgment: By criticising or shaming ourselves we avoid feeling the underlying emotion.
Anger: Blaming others for our feelings.
Somatic responses: Experiencing physical symptoms, like pain, instead of facing the actual feelings.
You might wonder: Why is it important to feel our emotions? Wouldn’t it be easier to just avoid the tough feelings? Unfortunately, we can’t selectively suppress our emotions. When we shut down anger, fear, or sadness, we also block ourselves from fully experiencing joy and pleasure. On the flip side, when we stay emotionally connected, even simple things can feel deeply satisfying.
Our emotions serve as an inner compass, offering valuable information. For example, my fear in the cellar helped alert me to danger. The brain doesn’t differentiate between real and imagined threats, so my body responded as if there was an actual danger present. The same physical response would occur if I were facing a real threat, like a robber in the cellar. Some of the intensity of an emotion might even stem from implicit memories - past experiences that are primarily encoded as bodily and emotional responses, without words or pictures. For example, my fear of being alone in the dark cellar might have been triggered by an old, unconscious memory from when I was a toddler, alone in a dark room and panic setting in when I wasn’t able to reach the light switch. My nervous system still remembers that feeling of fear, so it reacts when I'm in a similar situation today, even though I can now easily reach the light switch.
As we’ve seen, repressed emotions don’t simply vanish. It takes a lot of energy to keep them hidden. Once we learn how to befriend our emotions and stay present with them, we can process and heal them. In other words, we need to “feel them to heal them”.
Here are a few steps you can take to start befriending your emotions:
Notice and name your feelings: Name what you're feeling to engage the rational, thinking part of your brain, which helps calm the emotional, instinct-driven part.
Sit with uncomfortable emotions: Become aware of and present with the sensations in your body. Instead of getting caught up in the story about your feelings, simply breathe into them and observe where and how they show up in your body.
Ride the wave: Allow the intense sensations to flow through you without resisting them. Feelings, without the labels or judgment, are just sensations in the body. Without struggle, these sensations usually peak and subside within about 90 seconds—think of them like a wave moving through you.
Listen to the message: Your emotions can offer important insights—what you need, what’s out of balance, and what actions may need to be taken. Pay attention to those messages.
Try EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique): EFT is a powerful tool for managing overwhelming emotions.
Our natural (and conditioned) instinct is to seek positive experiences and avoid difficult emotions. Learning to befriend our feelings takes courage and a commitment to curiosity and self-compassion. The more we do this, the less likely we are to react impulsively and project old patterns onto the present moment. When we stop being afraid of our emotions, we can start living more fully—because living life fully requires feeling fully!
Befriending your emotions is a powerful step towards growth and healing. If you'd like support in this process, feel free to reach out—I’m here to help.
