Let’s imagine a scenario where two people – we’ll call them Ben and Ella – are working on a group project together, and they both make a mistake during a presentation. They are both aware of the mistake, but their responses differ based on their self-esteem and self-worth:
Ben sees himself as a capable, creative, and intelligent person. He believes his contributions are valuable to the team, and he takes pride in his work. However, he struggles with low self-worth, meaning he derives his value from external validation. When he notices the mistake, his first instinct is to try to cover it up or downplay it. He might blame the error on external factors, such as equipment malfunction, or try to make a joke about it to deflect attention. While his confidence remains intact, his insecurity about his worth makes it difficult for him to accept that everyone makes mistakes.
Ella, on the other hand, has low self-esteem, and she doesn’t feel confident in her abilities and often doubts herself. She might even experience anxiety about whether her work will be good enough. However, she possesses a strong sense of self-worth, meaning she recognises her inherent value, regardless of external outcomes or others' opinions. When she makes the mistake, her first response might be to feel disappointed or frustrated with herself. However, her high self-worth helps her remain grounded. Instead of letting the mistake define her, she is likely to acknowledge it openly and with humility, without letting it affect her sense of who she is.
Although the terms self-esteem and self-worth are often used interchangeably, they have subtle differences:
Self-esteem refers to how we feel about ourselves based on our achievements, abilities, and how we think others perceive us. It's often tied to external factors—like success, praise, and recognition—and fluctuates depending on circumstances. If you do well at work or in a relationship, your self-esteem tends to be higher; if you face failure or criticism, it can take a dip. Essentially, self-esteem is how we evaluate our value based on specific experiences and performance.
Self-worth, on the other hand, is more intrinsic. It's the belief that we are valuable simply because we exist, not because of what we do or how others see us. Self-worth is constant and doesn’t depend on external validation or accomplishments. It’s about accepting ourselves unconditionally and recognising that our value is inherent. Self-worth is a deeper, unshakable sense of being worthy of love, respect, and happiness, regardless of external circumstances.
In short, self-esteem can rise and fall with life’s ups and downs, while self-worth is a steady belief in your inherent value as a person. Ideally, when you have a strong sense of self-worth, your self-esteem tends to improve, as you no longer depend on external validation to feel good about yourself.
Solid self-worth in adulthood doesn’t show up overnight—it’s something we earn through life’s experiences, big and small. Self-worth develops through a mix of early experiences, ongoing personal growth, and the relationships we cultivate. It’s about recognising our worth, accepting ourselves—flaws and all—and building the inner strength to navigate life’s challenges with resilience and grace. It’s a process that takes time, patience, and a commitment to nurturing our well-being.
Good self-worth relies on having a balanced, realistic view of both our strengths and weaknesses—we all have plenty of both! Anxiety, fear, and trauma, however, can push us to extremes. At times, we may feel like an emotional mess, or we might try to appear as if we have everything perfectly together, with no problems or loose ends. Trauma and anxiety distort our view, making it harder to see ourselves as the complex, wonderful, imperfect, and ever-changing people we truly are.
Building good self-worth means accepting our vulnerabilities and limitations with curiosity, patience, and even a bit of humour. No one is perfect*, and we all have room to grow. The process of self-reflection and growth is an exercise in self-love—but it won’t thrive in an atmosphere of harsh judgement or self-blame.
*Of course, from a spiritual perspective, our soul essence is "perfect": perfectly whole, complete, and one with the source of love.
Every human life is unique and has value. No one else’s journey will ever look like yours, and that’s a beautiful thing. We’re not meant to be anyone other than ourselves. Yet, we all face the challenge of living the life we have—the one that’s in front of us—not the one we imagined, the one we wish we had, or the one we think we somehow deserve. It’s easy to get caught up in those fantasies, but the real beauty lies in accepting our reality, even when it feels imperfect.
We also need to let go of the anxiety-driven judgements and comparisons that sneak in, whispering that we’re not doing enough, or not doing it right. Life is short, and truthfully, none of us has the luxury of wasting time in that kind of mental clutter. We all, at some point, feel the pull to compare ourselves to others, to feel superior or inferior based on what we think is "better" or "worse." It’s a very human thing to do, especially when anxiety gets the best of us.
But here’s the thing: you don’t have to be at the mercy of those thoughts. You can observe them, take a step back, and gain some perspective. Recognise when those judgements are just your anxiety (or stress/fear/trauma) talking. From there, you can gently shift your focus back to what truly matters—your own growth, your own values, and the unique, beautiful life you’re living.
If you’re looking for support in nurturing your self-worth, I’d be happy to help.
